Take It All Away

If you had the chance to erase memories from your past, would you do it, or would you keep them all in tact knowing that it was your past that’s made you the person you are today?

I can see an argument for both sides, but in all honestly, I would get rid of the lot regardless of the changes they have made to me as an individual.

When I was first asked this question a year or so ago, I was about 99.9% sure that I would never erase a single memory, no matter how traumatic things have been. This determined decision at the time was based on the changes I’ve been through in the last eleven years. The person I am now is very different to the one that I was at eighteen, so much so that I’d now consider that person a stranger to my current self.

At the time, I expressed complete and utter horror at why anyone would ever want to do such a thing. Why would anyone want to take away huge parts of their lives like that, only to be replaced with emptiness and gaps of confusion? Surely that would be more frustrating and traumatic than living with a few moments of discontent?

Well, something has apparently changed and I don’t know why, when or how.

Recently I’ve been really struggling with a few things, not that anyone who knows me would be particularly aware of this. I’ve said before that I'm a master of the false front, an expert in disguising what’s really going on inside, and a true pro at putting on the mask of happiness. I save all my unhappiness for when I’m alone, which is probably why I’ve distanced myself a bit recently. Perhaps I’m growing tired of the acting. That would be a likely explanation.

I find myself frequently going over aspects of my past without even meaning to. I’ll be reading a book, or watching a film and suddenly realise that I haven’t taken in a single thing. I’ll be trying to sleep and abruptly I’ll be wide awake as though someone has just shaken me violently. Instead of concentrating on what I was doing, or allowing myself to drift into sleep, my mind will have been miles back in my past, going over a situation or experience I’d much rather forget, my stomach in knots, my chest tight with anxiety.

I don’t know what triggers these moments. I have no control over them, and I can’t predict when they’re going to happen. They aren’t relevant to my present life and there is no benefit to me in remembering.

The way I feel at this very moment, I could quite happily wipe out all memories from the age of 18 to the present day, including the good ones. As harsh as that sounds, it would give me some much needed happiness and peace of mind.

God knows, I’m due for some.

*Written: August 2010*