I say "read", but I actually skimmed over it with a million eye-rolls before laughing out loud at the predictability of it all and hurling it at the bin.
It was basically a list of twelve "Healthy Resolutions" and ways in which to keep them.
This time of year must be a piece of piss for un-inspired journos all over the world. "Oh look, it's nearly the end of the year! Time to start brain storming over a two page spread on how to keep resolutions! That's never been done before! I can definitely write something original!"
Please. Don't bother. Don't ever bother.
Unless you're aiming your article at either those who have lived in a sealed and sound proof box until now, but have nevertheless miraculously taught themselves how to read, or those who have the memory span of a goldfish (that's, what, two seconds?) then you will never write anything that hasn't already been written a billion times over.
Maybe your New Year's Resolution should be to be kind to the environment - save a fucking tree. And my sanity whilst you're at it.
These "original" and "inspiring" resolutions won't surprise you much, unless you're of a very special disposition.
- How To Lose A Dress Size!
- Quit Smoking The Stress-Free Way!
- Be Kind To Your Liver!
- Keep Positive When The Going Gets Tough!
- Give Yourself Down-Time!
- Look After Your Skin!
And my favourite of all:
- Visit The Dentist!
Huh? People need to be told to do these things?
The truth of the matter is that I'm not really one for New Year's Resolutions. Not only are they made either in a heavily alcohol-induced or heavily hungover state, but unless it's something of life changing importance, readily thought through and considered to be both realistic, massively beneficial and achievable, most of them fall by the wayside by about the 10th of January.
In addition to all that, do the general public really need a magazine to give them ideas? If resolutions are to be kept and seen through for an entire year, surely it's advisable for the individual to come up with their own? Otherwise, where's the determination behind it? Where's the motivation?
- "Why are you planning to get up at 5am everyday for the next 365 days for a three hour workout, only drink juiced vegetables, chant self-confidence mantras in the mirror twice a day and smile manically during every waking hour regardless of the reality of life's little mishaps?"
- "Because the December edition of '{Insert Title Here} Magazine' suggested it."
- "Oh. Ok. Good luck."
- "Thanks."
I don't know whether to blame the raving idiots who publish this shit of the readers who lap it up.
I guess I should thank this magazine really, because for the first time in years, I have a New Year's Resolution of my very own, and it's one that I'm determined and guaranteed to keep:
Do Not Buy A Magazine Next December!
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