The above line was written by me as a start to a blog post on 25 January 2011, and abandoned in drafts until discovered just now.
It's funny really, because I was just starting my final blog of 2011 (da - daaaa) with a similar theme in mind. Maybe that's not funny. Maybe it's pretty tragic.
I wonder what inspired that opening line almost a year ago, and whether I was feeling the same as I am now, worse, or slightly better.
I never read my blogs. I've been writing since 2009, and off the top my my head, I cannot tell you what's in them. I know the vague topics of some, I've a fairly good idea of what I might've shared, how I've possibly come across, what I've been angry or animated about. But in terms of actual content, how I've chosen to express the feelings I've had at the time... I think a lot of it would come as a surprise to me - something I've read for the first time.
And I suppose that would be true. When I write, I do it from my own perspective, I never consider it as a reader possibly would. I never fully appreciate how it may be received. On the contrary. When I publish, I only think about the outlet and what it's done for me, enabling me to get rid of the shit in my head.
So, when I saw this line, almost a year on, it made me feel sad because I clearly still have a host of issues, only they're different to the ones I had before.
I need to cleanse my head of someone who just won't fucking leave.
It's ripping me apart. I can't stop thinking about him, I can't get past it, and I can't move on. That much was apparent recently after a close encounter with someone who I had a bit of a thing with well over a year ago. All I could think about was this other person, and how it wasn't him anymore. I knew it at the time, and as hard as I tried to block him out, he just wouldn't leave my head as one huge fucking comparison.
I don't know what to do. I'm screaming out for something to take it all away, to erase my memories, to change what happened, but nothing is helping, nothing is happening. Not even the fact that he's proved himself to be an exceptionally horrific human being.
There'd be nothing within me, if I was sane, to ever want to know this person ever again, let alone miss him and want him the way that I do. But deep down I know that if he contacted me again, and wanted to see me, I'd do it quicker than a heart beat.
I can't go into 2012 with these underlying issues. It's no good.
But I'm clearly pathetic. And I hate him for that.
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